Reclaiming Feb 8
it’s been 84 years.. since I posted anything. but as i sit here sippin’ my coffee and breathin’ in the nag champa magic, i feel compelled to share some thoughts.
2 years ago today, i was fired from the abortion liberation fund of pa seems like a million years ago, really. so much has transpired since then. the scar is less pronounced where the wound once bled profusely. i thought the rage would never subside. the burning need to be heard, for people to know my truth, to hear “we are so sorry” - those still linger but are now just hazy residue of dying expectations.
2 years ago, i was set free. what felt like a downward spiral at first was the continuation of a journey of remembering me, who i come from, who the fuck i am. these past 2 years i have experienced deep grief over what i thought was my identity and who i thought were my people. i had wrapped myself up so tightly in the work that i lost a sense of who i am as a whole ass human being. so when that blanket was unfurled, i was dizzy with confusion. it has taken all this time to realize that i was nor never should be my job title. the people i work with, while we can share the same passion and vision for the world we want to live in, they are not family - not biological nor chosen. i must never conflate the two. family cares first about who i am, not what i do. and while work folks might extend an embrace and genuinely care about me and my well-being, it ultimately is about the work and getting the job done. as it should be.
i think many folks mistake their place of work for a place they go for healing, for justice, for a sense of belonging. i know that i did. i was upset for the past 2 years (and still learning to let this go) because i felt let down by an organization that claimed to be about “whole people living a messy mix of beauty and pain inside inhumane systems” and being “eager to care for one another.” what i now realize is that organizations cannot have these as value statements if there are not structures in place to support them. while individually, we might have desired these phrases, there was no infrastructure to allow for these values to be practiced. there were no processes to allow staff to share concerns about me. there were no restorative justice practices, let alone conflict resolution processes. lacking was a clear definition for what “care” even looked like and honest conversations for how to balance care for staff while caring for communities we served. it took me 2 years to acknowledge the role i played in hindering the evolution of these practices. I saw myself only as victim, the wounded one.
it’s taken me 2 years to feel comfortable enough to show off in an abortion t-shirt. to speak the organization’s name without having a bitter taste in my mouth. to see photos from our work together and not get teary-eyed.
this is what healing looks like. it’s messy. it’s non-linear. it’s long. it’s sitting with all of the feelings and honoring them for what they are. the anger, the sadness, the rage. and for me, it meant being really honest with myself about how much weight i placed on others’ opinions of me. i might come across like i don’t give a shit, but deep down (or maybe right below the surface), i just want people to like me, to value me, to appreciate me. so when i got fired and most folks neglected to pick up the phone to ask what happened nor spoke out in my defense, i felt a betrayal like i had never before experienced. and then i realized (with the help of my amazing boo and folks who love me fiercely), that those aren’t my people. i came to realize that i have to know my worth, regardless. i have to be the one who accepts myself, the good, bad, and ugly. self-worth is just that - SELF. placing that kind of responsibility and expectation on others is futile.
it’s been 2 years. a long road. a journey that needed to happen. i am committed to getting to a place of forgiveness. i’d be lying if i said i was there at this point. I AM a scorpio after all. but like a lot - sun, mars, and venus in scorpio. so wantin’ to cut a bitch who harms me and mine is in the stars! FAFO.
but today, i am reclaiming Feb 8th as BE FREE DAY. and what better way to mark the occasion than hangin’ with my boo and a TRUE homie - at the Day Shift dance party for the “grown and sexy” that proudly states to “party all day, bed by 11.” that’s my kinda jam.
glad to be HERE. 2 years later.
