who am i
Yesterday I started feeling like I'm having an identity crisis of sorts. Even as I figure out the Passion Doula work, I find myself being pulled in so many directions. I have been an Executive Director, more or less, since 2009! That’s a long ass time. Being an ED became my identity - a narrow way that others came to know me or perceived me to be. Or at least the parts of me that I showed to others or felt safe enough to reveal.
Such a small window into who I really am, where I come from, what I feel inside.
Let’s be real. Few of us can be whole in our workspaces. Especially leaders, especially women, and even more especially women of color and others with historically marginalized identities. No one wanted to see the real me while I was an ED. In fact, when I shared my truth and showed up authentically, my vulnerabilities were weaponized against me. I had to cover up - figuratively and literally. I recall one of the first fundraisers we hosted where a volunteer (who was also a former Board chair and longtime donor so felt some sort of ownership over the organization) berated me for showing my tattoos in my sleeveless dress - claiming this was not the appropriate audience for …being myself, I suppose.
This isn’t about her, though. Nor about me, really. Under our capitalist system, we are all reduced to our job titles - which is why here, in the U.S. folks feel stumped to start a conversation with anything other than “what do you do?” And this always means - what do you do for work. There is value placed here - for how someone answers that question often determines how they will be treated, accepted, believed, trusted. We are more than our titles.
Throughout my life, I have grappled with knowing who I am because of others’ perceptions of me. I recall in middle school being asked “what ARE you” by another student who was confused by my seeming refusal to conform to any single social group. Not a “nerd,” definitely not a “jock,” and not quite “theater kid” either. I confused him. I was not confused.
Who am I? Does it depend on how others view me? Growing up, I was “too white” to be accepted by Latinos. Even when I first moved to Philly, folks assumed I was not Latinx OR upon learning that I am, figured I was Puerto Rican. To white folks, I am definitely “other” and often am asked “where are you from? No - but really, where are your parents from? Their parents?” Here. My people are from HERE (and have been longer than your family, I am sure). My people have been in northern New Mexico/Southwest Colorado since it was still Mexico. Cue - we didn’t cross the border, the border crossed us. AND also, I am on a path of ancestral discovery and healing because I am certain my roots are both colonizer and colonized. More on that as it unfolds.
If we are more than our job titles, what we do, or who we are for others - than what? As I pondered that - Prince’s “Baby I’m a Star” come through on my Spotify “be. satisfied.” playlist. Aaaah the ancestral genius of the beloved, right on time like always. I AM a star. We all are.
