That ED Life almost killed me (story share + video)
I have been an Executive Director (ED) twice now, at two Philly non-profits, most recently, as the ED at the Abortion Liberation Fund of PA. I’ve also been fired twice, both times by a Board led by cis-men. My termination drudged up old wounds from the first time I was fired as ED of galaei. Like other women of color, queer folks, and others with marginalized identities, as an ED I have battled with imposter syndrome and this experience certainly sent me into an even deeper spiral of self-doubt. It also unearthed a deep-seated need to explore what matters in life and try to get to a place of remembering who TF I am. I felt compelled to “control the narrative” and sought plenty of guidance and advice about sharing my story. I grappled with speaking out about what transpired so I could “rise above” the pain and avoid making the assumption that in sharing the story, it will somehow right the wrong.
I also know the non-profit industrial complex (NPIC) is in a state of disarray. Unchecked power, unhealed trauma, misplaced anger all lead to a failure of creating systems that allow folks to be in the struggle with one another. Folks are overly focused on infrastructure and turning on each other, rather than keeping our eyes on the goal of collective liberation. We start to think of the organization as more than an organization that serves a mission. It's a home. It's a safe place for identities under attack, and can become a proxy for the stuff going on outside that is confounding and scaring us (How (Not) to Dismantle White Supremacy, Scot Nakagawa).
This clip is my unscripted (and, disclaimer: no sound editing so some philly background noise and loud, unavoidable coughing-thanks for your grace) attempt at sharing my story- an offering of a missing puzzle piece, if you will. I recorded it for myself, in an effort to get a bit more clarity about the state of my heart, mind, and soul. For full disclosure, I am incredibly nervous to share it publicly. Those closest to me have heard it and continue lovin’ on me, supportin’ me, and being the mirrors that reflect back to me the places I misstepped. I was intentional in not sharing this widely. I am choosing to do so now because if this could happen at the organization I led for nearly six years, it could (and likely has) transpired at other organizations, too. It’s by no means the complete story, rather a bit of a summary around:
what went down(ish);
grappling, reflecting, atoning;
harms of the non-profit industrial complex; and
rebirthing myself as the Passion Doula™️
Elicia Gonzales shares her story about her forced transition from role as Executive Director at Abortion Liberation Fund of PA
No matter the organization's mission or vision, or brilliant and well-intended workers, the NPIC, by design, maintains the status quo. Often times, organizations are governed by individuals with internalized white supremacist, patriarchal capitalism - folks of all races and genders. Even organizations devoted to the struggle for collective liberation struggle to create systems to support its workers, including its leaders. This point from the Forge article referenced above really hit home for me: People use [“White Supremacy Culture”] and other similar ideas to take down organizations and to persecute people in the most horrible ways. The conversation's just a phantom because it too often fails to address the details, the management breakdowns that are caused because we’re just human and flawed, you know?
EDs are not allowed to be fully human, to make mistakes, to have flaws.
We are expected to perform.
This is the first piece of story sharing that will kick-off many stories to come in my new (coming soon) podcast: That ED Life: a podcast of stories from me & other EDs. I have more than 12 years experience as an ED; 25 year history in the NPIC as staff member, manager, and Board member; and formed relationships with other EDs who share similar identities and values. The podcast is a place for story sharing, learning, and healing. It is rooted in love, honesty, vulnerability, and courage. There might be cries, there will definitely be cursing. Each episode, I will have a "living room couch" conversation with an ED with whom I am already in community, or folks who find their way to this show and want to share their truth. The podcast will serve as a window into the hearts and minds of folks who have a thing or two to say about That ED Life.
